And no, I do not mean that pitiful excuse for a National Championship football game. I know just about nothing when it comes to football (other than what I learned from Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights), and even I can say – something is clearly not working with this whole BCS stuff. Boring. But it did allow us to switch to much more exciting TV at halftime!
I’m talking about the real competition and battle of the best – the Bachelor. That’s right we are back with season 17. 17! (Can you believe it? It feels like just yesterday Brucie and I were watching ole Alex Michelle pick that younger tramp over Trista!) The past few seasons have been a bit bleh for my taste. Pretty much all quality has vanished since Andrew Firestone’s season. (He didn’t find love then, but I think he married some Yugoslavian model, so he’s probably feeling ok.)
This year we are continuing the horrid tradition of picking one of last season’s rejects to serve as the Bachelor. Are there seriously no other single people in America? His name is Sean. He’s from Dallas (I predict some sort of suburb). He clearly lifts weights/sells insurance for a living. His buzz factor is that he’s very “family oriented”. Yeah, we’ll see about that come fantasy suite time. I’m sure mom and dad will be thrilled with the hot tub situations that we know ABC will stage to show of Abs. (That’s what I’m calling Sean from now on.)
So Abs is back and still kind of sad that Emily picked Skinny Tie (Jef one F). I would too… That has to be a confidence blow. Abs must have been so confused bc obviously, he has WAY better abs than Skinny Tie. Abs must at least like Skinny Tie’s style though because he is full on rocking the v neck t, skinny, tie look. He looked like the Hulk in that green shirt.
The 25 girls were pretty par for the course. I remember watching this back in my youth and aspiring to be like these girls! They had cool obscure job titles like Administrative Coordinator and Marketing Assistant. Now it’s all Jumbo-tron Operator and Professional Organizer. They wore lots of sparkles. Like Taylor Swift had a garage sale and all the new contestants went.
There were some major fails in the intro. I for one can’t imagine what I would do if I had to get out of that limo, get in line, and then dazzle Abs with some witty yet sweet one liner. (All those girls should have just covered themselves in healing crystals though, bc he was all about some “good energy”). One girl tried to tumble. She succeeded about like I did at cheerleader tryouts freshman year. (Poor Brucie and Steve spent like 10,000 dollars at River City gymnastics on ULM cheerleaders trying to teach me to tumble – it was never going to happen). She face planted. I know the feeling. But Robyn (Age: 24
Occupation: Oilfield Account Manager Hometown: Houston, TX) got right on up, dusted off her sequins and totally got a rose later! You go girl.
One of my favorite parts of every Bachelor season premier is how at a certain part in the show, most every girl goes from excited and nervous to straight up HAMMERED. I understand – I read the blogs. The opening night party lasts like 10 hours. Even if you have one drink an hour, you’re done. And think how much champagne you’d drink while getting ready for your big reality TV debut! Just listen to the way they start melting down in their one on ones. They literally sound like drunk 18 year olds home from their first swap and the C Store is closed. It’s awesome.
Abs spiced it up by giving out roses throughout the evening. It was like – “hey girl in sequins – come sit on this outdoor furniture. I’m going to interview you. If you win, you get a rose!” And if you don’t, NBD, we still have some leftovers for round 2 later.
Abs chose a sparkly bunch. Can’t wait for next week. Apparently Tierra who got the first rose due to her “great energy” turns into a major crazy. Bad energy! Oh no!